Jakes Christmas Cat

It is a well known fact of life that any reasonable man who goes to the old cafe for conversation and companionship does not like cats. You see, real men like dogs. They ask themselves why would anyone want an animal that coughs up fur balls and takes a bath in its own spit. “Cats tend to act too much like women,” says Manor Hill Mack, and most men seem to know what that means.

Therefore, each Christmas when talk begins to lag, Holly Lake Jake is asked to tell his Christmas Cat Story.

Jake swears this is a true story.

Clinton was the church cat. He was the church cat because Ms. Bernice Tavener liked cats. Bernice was the Women's Auxiliary head, the Pastor Annoyance Committee permanent chair, and a church choir soprano who demanded a solo at every service. Even for a soprano, Bernice's vocal chords were wound a little tight. She also looked the part. Her dresses were small tents, and her Christmas hat was an expanse of green felt topped with two turtle doves.

Though most men of the church would gladly have handed Clinton over to the Sipe brothers for proper disposal (the Sipes brothers liked to cook live frogs), the powerful and obnoxious Bernice Tavener would not allow it.

That brings us to the Christmas Eve Pastor Presley got the idea to let loose a dove during his sermon.

“Now Leslie,” said Pastor Presley dispatching Leslie Sipes up to the organ loft. “When I say, ‘Let there be peace on earth,’ You let this dove (actually a pigeon) go. You got that?”
“Yes sir,” Sipes said and up he went.

Pastor Presley then told Bernice to do her mandatory soprano "oooie-oooing" when he first said the words, “peace on earth.”

It was set. Leslie Sipes was in the organ loft, Bernice in her green tent and turtle dove hat was in the choir, and Pastor Presley was ready for a Christmas Eve nobody would ever forget.

Knowing the stunning effect the dove (pigeon) would have on the congregation, Presley went full tilt. "Let there be peace on earth," he bellowed and gestured to the organ loft. On cue, Bernice started to “ooie-oo,” and Leslie Sipes reached for the bird. Unfortunately, the bird was dead, and Clinton the cat was grinning. Leslie Sipes was in a panic.

Down below, Pastor Presley was now saying, “Peace” like it had three syllables. “Paw-ee-suhh, I say,” and his neck veins were an inch thick. “Let tharr be paw-ee-suh, on earth,” Presley said and looked to Leslie. --Nothing.

“I said, let tharr be paw-ee-suhh, on earth!” Presley shouted.

At that moment Leslie Sipes became unhinged and threw Clinton over the rail as if he thought cats could fly. Cat's arching trajectory was eerily on course.

The cat's screech hit perfect pitch with Bernice's “oie-ooing,” and Clinton's flight path homed in on Bernice.

From its perspective, the cat could just see the outline of two turtle doves in a green field below. It unsheathed ten sharp daggers for combat!

Some say it was the highest note ever achieved in operatic history. The shock waves broke windows as far away as Missouri City. Later, Bernice personally turned the cat over to the Sipes brothers who considered it a fine Christmas present. Bernice herself, never sang or annoyed anyone again.

Pastor Presley said it was his best Christmas ever.